I was watching TV tonight. I started to ponder about my lot in life. Its not what I expected my life would be like - its not bad... just different. I know why things turned out this way - or at least I have some of the reasons.

The first is a disability that I was diagnosed with at an early age. Its a strange disability that is not very well known - I don't process information I hear like others do. I can't filter noise or focus on one person in a crowd. I don't remember things I've heard well.

There are benefits as well though. My visual senses apparently have developed to compensate for my hearing problems - so I tend to solve things that can be visualized very well. I also have become extremely process oriented - again, this enables me to solve a great number of problems.

When I was young and the treatments weren't working - and my mom couldn't afford to keep me going to the treatment center - the disability was put aside and not talked about again. To be honest, I was young enough that I completely forgot about it.

Through the remainder of my school years (K-12) I struggled to keep my head above water. I was provided tutors by the schools and placed in special-ed classes. It didn't help that I was awkward and geeky - heck, I was 125lbs and 6'1" (all bones I guess!). Nobody could see any potential in me.

In college I struggled, but I also managed to figure out that I think differently - so I adapted my thinking style to fit the situation. I managed to do reasonably well in college overall - sometimes achieving high marks, but often fairly average. Somehow some professors could see something in me - these professors encouraged me and helped keep me going.

Along all the years my relationships suffered. I kept telling myself that I had to date enough to learn how to do it - adaptation. I guess it never took. Its harder than it looks.

After many failed relationships - with the same accusations time and time again, I started to see a psychologist. Truth be known I was depressed. After a great number of sessions - and some talking with my mom - it came up about my disability.

To make a long story a touch shorter - I'm now 40 and I'm still looking for my wife. Sometimes I think about something I read once in a christian book - that God selects a handful of people to couple, while others are to do God's work (and some force marriage when it wasn't God's choice). I'm not christian, but the thought is interesting - imagine that there is a greater scheme to live, and this is by design.

It seems that as I get older I am finding it harder to associate with people my age - not to mention there seem to be fewer of them. What now?

"To what use am I putting my soul? What relation have I to this part of me which they call the ruling reason? And whose soul have I got anyhow? The soul of a child? Of a youth? Of a woman? Of a tyrant? of a domestic animal? Of a wild beast?"

Marcus believed we should be better than wild beasts - animals acting on our simplest needs; food, sex, security, etc. He seemed to think we can escape these primitive needs. I have my doubts.

Do you think anyone ever has? I wonder what that person would be like - perhaps removed from the need for a nice house, nice car, sex, etc. This person may have no interest in you or I - they'd have no need for interaction... perhaps.

I suppose I don't imagine we ever escape the primitive side. It would have been great to debate this with Marcus - it would be a lively debate perhaps. But still, why does it seem like we are so much more primitive - trying to fuck everyone we can (do you sense frustration in my writings)?

A while back I looked on match.com for someone my age that was single - I still long for a relationship or even marriage and kids. While I was there I noticed many attractive women boast about their ability to lure young men into the sack. Part of me laughed - I was once a young man and I can assure you it was not hard to lure me into the sack... or any of my friends - we loved to fuck older women. Part of me felt sadness - that women my age seemed even more primitive and "wild beast-like" than younger women I date now.

Don't get me wrong... I think about sex - I long for intimate contact and fantasize about making out with an attractive women. But when I find myself thinking about the physical aspects of a woman above her being I disengage - it's mostly because women to have sex with are easy and abundant... but ultimately unsatisfying (should I have said "disappointing"?).

So where do I go from here? Should I pursue fucking women like a ferrile animal? Will this ultimately lead me to happiness?

 

I've been a way for quite a while. It's funny coming back here and seeing the things I thought and said over a year ago. I think a lot has changed for me.



I'm still with the same girl. She's also sleeping in the other room right now (which is apparently what she was doing in my last journal entry). She is a very sweet girl - her youth shows up now and then... some of which she seems to have inherrited from her parents. I care about her a lot. It's made me think about breaking up with her - I'm not sure I can ever be the husband she wants.



I've realized something the other day... it's not easy for me to talk about this, even among an audience that I will never meet and am not accountable to. I think I'm afraid to get married - partially because of my parents divorce (has anyone seen War Of The Roses?), but also because of bad experiences in past relationships.



The real kicker to me is that I've always wanted to have kids - now I'm 40 and single, and that may have slipped away from me. I keep myself extremely fit and I find myself attracted to fit people - which at my age is rough to find. I'm attracted to older women - I love to see a couple wrinkles when a person smiles. There is just something sooo sexy about an attractive older woman.



I'm not so bothered by this idea any more. I've come to accept that I may be single for life. I wish that weren't the case, but I won't marry trivially. This is because I believe it takes more than love for a marriage to work - and even then most people seem to believe they love someone simply because they can tolerate them. That's not the case for me.



Sadly, I know what love feels like. This makes it hard to accept anything less. In fact, most girls I'm with wonder why I don't tell them I love them - it's simple, I love them for the person they are, but I am not in-love with them. How many people really feel love?



I admit that I've often pondered that love is just a drive that brings us to mate with another human - a biological calling, with some sociological nuances. In fact, in recent years I've come to believe that all human behavior is primative - meeting biological needs, but having to "grease the skids" to keep our social interactions favorable (which is what makes our behavior complex).



I could go one step further - do we believe that animals love? If not, why are we capable and they are not? Is it possible that our society places value on finding one mate - therefore "love" is imposed, but just a fictional entity to meet sociological rules?



But I digress... coffee is waiting for me in the kitchen and I actually have to go to work today (big meeting next week). One peice of advice... don't think about these things too much - in fact, it's best to believe that I'm an idiot and feel sorry for me. In many cases (perhaps all), ignorance is bliss.

I've had the same girlfriend for about 5 or 6 months now. That's not a huge feat, but it's not bad either. She's 15 years younger than me, but we've done well together so far. I mean, I admit to having some reservations and concerns, but overall I have nothing to really complain about.

My biggest concern is that I'm putting time and effort into a relationship that may not work - at times we view things very differently, and I believe it may be partially the age difference. She is quite mature for her age... in some ways... but not so much in other ways.

I admit that there is a hard obstacle for her to overcome with me - I've had a couple of pretty crappy relationships in the recent years that cause me to hesitate. I've also had some extraordinary girlfriends. But she is pretty well near the top herself - just a couple things that I wish were different, but they are pretty minor.

I'm getting pretty old these days though. I keep wondering were that rushed feeling of love went to - you know, the one that makes you think about the other person all the time and excited to see them. Have I become callus, or perhaps realistic?

I have to be honest... I'm not sure I can keep up with her sexual needs either. This is a pretty big concern because I'm keenly aware about the link between sex and self-esteem in most people. Sex is not my major drive... even though I do enjoy it. Of course when I wasn't training so hard my sex drive went through the roof. Hmmm...

She's sleeping in the other room right now. She does put up with a lot with me - I have a goofy sense of humor and I'm a bit intollerant of other people at times. I'm also pretty opinionated. Not that I don't think I'm a great catch, but I am also aware of several things that most people wouldn't want to deal with - it's true, the person that I'm with must be looking for something different than the mainstream guy... at least that's what I believe.

Global warming has really shown it's teeth in the recent times. The media has really jumped on the band-wagon and it seems like a daily occurence to have some mention of global warming in the news. I have to admit that it's caused me quite a bit of concern.

When you look at the history of all other civilizations, they've all disappeared either because they've exhausted the natural resources or some catastrophic event has occured. All of them suffered extinction due to their own ignorance or inabilities. In our case, is it possible that we have advanced enough to cause a bigger problem - and that we might cause our own extinction?

I know that we tend to believe that isn't so - I mean, how could 8 billion people disappear. Well, it's hard to imagine, but we could be in for a very big environmental reset. Imagine if the existing ecosystems are damaged to their extinction - we may find ourselves readily eatting insects instead of fish!

Some have claimed that global warming is quite exagerated or that the government will handle it. But the government isn't doing anything that isn't based on growing the national economy. So, is global warming in the interest of the global economy? I drive to work today and think about the fosile fuels I burn and then a big Ford Expedition drives up on me and I think about his waste... and I can't imagine that global warming is economically viable.

So where does that leave us? Blindly hoping that someone will come along and save us? We are a very ignorant species - adjusting our views to fit our needs.

I think Abraham Maslow stated it best - he believed we have needs that cause us to want to gain and acquire. It's a socialistic need - we are in competition with others around us.

This thought caused me some self examination. I live in a modest house, but it is still much bigger than I need. In fact, even if I had a wife and kids it's probably still much bigger than I need. I too have fallen for the competitive need.

Imagine how much money, time, resources, effort, etc. could be saved if we dropped the need to be competitive!

I've been pondering something that Abraham Maslow wrote... in this tiny blurb it seemed to imply that Maslow believed that there was an intrinsic 'good' in people. He studied many people - some good, some bad - including collegues and Hitler. He believed that there was a level of illumination that people could achieve - and that some either had or were approaching it.

Although my work seems to closely be inline with Maslow's work, I'm not sure I can agree. I'd like to though.

In some respects we can look at humans as being either completely biological or spiritual (somehow). If we are biological, then aren't be bound by the limits of a biological organism?

With MySpace.com, are blog sites now becoming a thing of the past? Or, am I just getting a lot less visibility? There was a time that I couldn't keep up with the posts on my blog... of course, maybe my life is a lot less interesting right now too. It's a curiousity....

I'm wearing out these days. I forgot what it was like to date a young girl - more emotionally free. Perhaps less callus. I remember when I was younger - emotions streamed from me so freely. It was hard to stop them. Now I feel like a observer of life - almost not emotionally affected by anything anymore. It's not that I'm not affected... well, I'm not as affected, but I'm also happy to feel emotions; even the bad ones.

I feel bad for the girl I am seeing now. She's very upset and bothered by everything. It's wearing me down a bit.

I can't help but look at myself and wonder if I'm doing the things I ought to be doing, if I'm forgetting to address my emotions, or if I ought to drop her to spare her the pain I'm causing. I think she's a great woman - the best I've ever dated - but I'm not sure I feel in-love with her. She expresses that she is in-love with me all the time, but I can't bring myself to say it back. I won't unless I feel it.

So, I've started to wonder if I'm addressing my needs. I think there's a chance I could be staying because I don't want to see her hurt. I know that if that is the case, I ought to break it off to spare her. But it also made me wonder if, in general, I fail to try to meet my needs - that I stay in relationships too long because I don't want the other person to hurt.

If I am failing to meet my needs, then....

Got to run...

Some guy hit my car in trafic today. Would you believe that's the first car accident I've ever been in. The guy jumped out and immediately apologized - I suppose I was a little in shock; it just seemed like this would never happen to me. Luckily I was in my Toyota - it's a rusted out truck that I use for winter driving here in Michigan. The funny part is that I can only imagine that the insurance is going to want to total the vehicle... I'm sure after I pony up some deductible or whatever.

What would be funny is if I got more for the vehicle than it's worth to me. I mean, this thing is really on it's way out. It doesn't burn oil or anything, but it's starting to shake pretty well at high speeds and I can hear the rod bearings making noise at higher RPMs. Geesh, the thing has 220,000 miles on it. It's probably hoping to be put to rest - wouldn't you?

The unfortunate part is that the kid didn't have his insurance with him. I did get his license plate and drivers license number... but I was already running late for class, so I skipped the police call. Besides, even if this didn't get fixed I'm not really out anything. The poor guys car was in terrible shape, but my truck only suffered a bent bumper.

Another funny aspect was that the I heard the noise and it sounded awful - but the actual impact felt much lighter. For a moment, I even doubted that I had been hit. I actually figured the noise came from someone else's car or something. When I looked back I could see the guy parked under my truck (I was stopped at a red light).

Anyway, that was fun - nothing like a little car accident to remind you that you are alive (or at least quite likely alive, or perhaps a vegatible in a jar in some guys basement lab).

It's amazing that I can meet a girl that meets all of the criteria that I thought were important to me and she still isn't enough. She's smart, sexy, very sexual, very happy with me, etc. I guess that since I've gotten older maybe my criteria is different now.

I've pondered about the existence of love. It's a topic that has brought me a lot of sadness in the past. I even started to write a book about the topic - having studied it to a great degree; from all kinds of aspects - psychology, anthropoloy, etc. Perhaps the most difficult part of understanding love is that there isn't a clear definition of what it is - everyone expects everyone else to just know what it is.

Does anyone know what love is? Is there a definition?

I'm in a graduate program at GVSU and I've started to wonder if I ought to just screw this program and go for a PhD. Its just that I wonder if this program will really do what I want it to do for me - it's not the piece of paper that I'm looking for... it's the information. Maybe the education route is not the right path for me - the information I want is is other areas...

Most importantly, I suppose I want to use my brain again. It seems like it's been so long since I've actually had to think hard about anything. My brain is starting to feel like jello. The most complex organ we have - capable of adapting to incredible circumstances - and the best we subject it to is the Simpson's on Tuesday evenings.

I'm sitting in the class room right now... getting ready for my midterm exam. I haven't studied - just like every assignment so far in this class. I expect to breeze through the work with some problems, but not many. It's sort of a bummer. The classroom of people doesn't really seem worried either. I mean, there are plenty of people in here that are studying and trying to get the work done on time, but overall the atmosphere is not that high-strung buzz that you feel at other universities.

Was this program a mistake? Should I just finish it and then move on?

Maybe it's just this class. Perhaps the program will get more difficult. Even still, perhaps I ought to take more classes every semester.

All this aside, the girl issues are still there. Sometimes I feel like I ought to be single for a while - just let myself be lonely. Maybe. It's just that it's so easy to meet girls all the time - making most of them seem very uninteresting. It's not normally like this for me - but I can't figure out what changed.

Well, I ought to go now... it's about time to start....