I was watching TV tonight. I started to ponder about my lot in life. Its not what I expected my life would be like - its not bad... just different. I know why things turned out this way - or at least I have some of the reasons.

The first is a disability that I was diagnosed with at an early age. Its a strange disability that is not very well known - I don't process information I hear like others do. I can't filter noise or focus on one person in a crowd. I don't remember things I've heard well.

There are benefits as well though. My visual senses apparently have developed to compensate for my hearing problems - so I tend to solve things that can be visualized very well. I also have become extremely process oriented - again, this enables me to solve a great number of problems.

When I was young and the treatments weren't working - and my mom couldn't afford to keep me going to the treatment center - the disability was put aside and not talked about again. To be honest, I was young enough that I completely forgot about it.

Through the remainder of my school years (K-12) I struggled to keep my head above water. I was provided tutors by the schools and placed in special-ed classes. It didn't help that I was awkward and geeky - heck, I was 125lbs and 6'1" (all bones I guess!). Nobody could see any potential in me.

In college I struggled, but I also managed to figure out that I think differently - so I adapted my thinking style to fit the situation. I managed to do reasonably well in college overall - sometimes achieving high marks, but often fairly average. Somehow some professors could see something in me - these professors encouraged me and helped keep me going.

Along all the years my relationships suffered. I kept telling myself that I had to date enough to learn how to do it - adaptation. I guess it never took. Its harder than it looks.

After many failed relationships - with the same accusations time and time again, I started to see a psychologist. Truth be known I was depressed. After a great number of sessions - and some talking with my mom - it came up about my disability.

To make a long story a touch shorter - I'm now 40 and I'm still looking for my wife. Sometimes I think about something I read once in a christian book - that God selects a handful of people to couple, while others are to do God's work (and some force marriage when it wasn't God's choice). I'm not christian, but the thought is interesting - imagine that there is a greater scheme to live, and this is by design.

It seems that as I get older I am finding it harder to associate with people my age - not to mention there seem to be fewer of them. What now?