I've been a way for quite a while. It's funny coming back here and seeing the things I thought and said over a year ago. I think a lot has changed for me.

I'm still with the same girl. She's also sleeping in the other room right now (which is apparently what she was doing in my last journal entry). She is a very sweet girl - her youth shows up now and then... some of which she seems to have inherrited from her parents. I care about her a lot. It's made me think about breaking up with her - I'm not sure I can ever be the husband she wants.

I've realized something the other day... it's not easy for me to talk about this, even among an audience that I will never meet and am not accountable to. I think I'm afraid to get married - partially because of my parents divorce (has anyone seen War Of The Roses?), but also because of bad experiences in past relationships.

The real kicker to me is that I've always wanted to have kids - now I'm 40 and single, and that may have slipped away from me. I keep myself extremely fit and I find myself attracted to fit people - which at my age is rough to find. I'm attracted to older women - I love to see a couple wrinkles when a person smiles. There is just something sooo sexy about an attractive older woman.

I'm not so bothered by this idea any more. I've come to accept that I may be single for life. I wish that weren't the case, but I won't marry trivially. This is because I believe it takes more than love for a marriage to work - and even then most people seem to believe they love someone simply because they can tolerate them. That's not the case for me.

Sadly, I know what love feels like. This makes it hard to accept anything less. In fact, most girls I'm with wonder why I don't tell them I love them - it's simple, I love them for the person they are, but I am not in-love with them. How many people really feel love?

I admit that I've often pondered that love is just a drive that brings us to mate with another human - a biological calling, with some sociological nuances. In fact, in recent years I've come to believe that all human behavior is primative - meeting biological needs, but having to "grease the skids" to keep our social interactions favorable (which is what makes our behavior complex).

I could go one step further - do we believe that animals love? If not, why are we capable and they are not? Is it possible that our society places value on finding one mate - therefore "love" is imposed, but just a fictional entity to meet sociological rules?

But I digress... coffee is waiting for me in the kitchen and I actually have to go to work today (big meeting next week). One peice of advice... don't think about these things too much - in fact, it's best to believe that I'm an idiot and feel sorry for me. In many cases (perhaps all), ignorance is bliss.

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